Whenever Emileeeeee went on a picnic that was even remotely near a lake she was told to NEVER EVER go swimming for at least an hour or you were going to have cramps and die. Emileeeeee was told that maybe three or four or maybe even twenty seven times at least. YES, AT LEAST TWENTY SEVEN TIMES. Every time Emileeeeee was read the riot act about swimming, this little black cloud always formed inside of her, wanting to defy this whole big pile of bunk. A pile of bunk indeed.
One Sunday, Emileeeeee and her family drove down to St Albans, VT for the day and sure enough, after they ate, her mother started the whole no-swimming-for-an-hour lecture. She started when they left the house. She continued when they drove. She didnt end even when they got there. She just went on and on and on. Emileeeeee waited for about 10 minutes after she ate lunch and told everyone she was going to gather shells by the water.In the distance, she heard her mother say,
"Emileeeeee Mcpheeeeee, don't you dare go in that water."
Emileeeeee was just smiling to herself knowing full well she was going to defy the laws of her mother's nature that day. Okay, truth be told, she was scared and she did inch her toes into the water very slowly. Very slowly VERY slowly. Suddenly she was up to her ankles and she swore she had this huge stomach pang coming on. Maybe they were right and Emileeeeee backed out of the water quickly. Very quickly indeed.
She had two voices in her head telling her what to do. One said, "Go in, go in Emileeeeee' the other said, 'you're going to die Emileeeeee". Ahh to heck with it and she ran in up to her calves. No stomach pains! No stomach pains at all. They were all wrong! They were SO wrong! So she went in up to her knees, of course always on the lookout for fish that might bite her toes off. Emileeeeee hated fish.She did not trust fish..Did not trust them at all. Did not trust them indeed.
Suddenly there was loud yelling. Loud yelling was all about. There, on her right was a man pulling this boy out of the water who was just screaming his head off. Screaming so loudly they probably heard him in Lake Placid that day. In fact, word was they heard him way up in Smugglers' Notch. That and the roar of noisily moving water and Emileeeeee's mother just about having a cow on shore, brought her in pretty darn quick. The boy was carried way out and people were saying it was probably because he went swimming after eating. Yes, he swam after he ate. Sitting outside page 41 of the story book, Emileeeeee pretty well assumed the kid had a stomach ache, swallowed some water, or some fish bit his toes. Sturgeon are notorious for toe bites, after all. She pondered that and Emileeeeee pondered some more. She pondered indeed. .
But, there was her mother, arms akimbo, with such a stern look on her face and saying firmly, "You see what happens if you go swimming after you eat, Emileeeeee McPheeeeee??"
Well today ,at age 58 with ten good years left,according to her family she smiled. She finally had the truth. You will not die if you go swimming right after lunch. Now that egg salad her mother put in the sandwiches that fermented on the two hour drive down there in the 90 degree weather, might have killed us all, but not the darn water. Not the water indeed.
Funny how these myths are not around anymore or are few and far between. Like one prime example was her friend Cindy who used to come down from Montreal once a month to visit her godmother Joan. When she came, they used to go swimming at the town swimming pool every afternoon. Every afternoon without fail. They would get there at 1:00 and stay there until 4:00. They really didn't swim a whole lot but jumped in and out of the pool feeling the chlorine stinging their eyes and trying to avoid the huge French kid who used to cannonball everyone. Especially Emileeee, how he loved to try and drown her. Then we would sit and eat pop rocks and drink soda pop defying the rumours that MIKEY, from the LIFE Cereal commercials had died doing the same thing. Emileeeeee knew that was a lot of hooie. Big hooie. Big hooie indeed. .
One day her godmother Joan and her mother were standing at the edge of the pool wringing their hands and looking like someone had died. Cindy was wrenched out of the pool and whisked away and wasn't seen again for months. Emileeeee asked every day what happened to her and no one would tell her. It was like Russian spies had whisked her off the face of the earth or some huge Sturgeoun had swallowed her whole. Yes, HUGE sturgeon. Years later Emileeeeee found out that Cindy had gotten her first period and of course in those days it was considered "the curse". The curse indeed.
No swimming, no moving, no smiling, no nothing, period; because of the period. And NO ONE spoke about it. Strange pieces of white elastic and HUGE blue boxes with the word 'Kotex', were hidden in the back of linen closets. Emileeeeee knew because she snooped. She loved to snoop. She found some strange books once in her father's bottom drawer all about sex. What that was about she did not know, but figured it probably had something to do with the blue boxes and long white strings of elastic. Yes,Blue boxes indeed..
Emileeeeee remembered her grandmother stopped baking bread and making jam when it was her time of the month, or 'the curse' as she called it. Bread apparently would not rise and jam would not thicken, according to the "higher up" females. They talked about it often around tea time at least once a week while sipping hot tea out of small fancy teacups and eating raspberry scones. Emileeeeee thought that she was now in the throes of eternal menopause and she still cant make jam nor raspberry scones. Can't make either. Indeed. .
Emileeeee was so relieved when she finally heard "the official word" from Charles Gibson on ABC news one day. It made Emileeeeee feel better to know these were only old wives tales, and bad ones at that. She finally knew that when she died after these upcoming ten good years that the coroners would not find that 7 pound ball of chewing gum in her stomach. Emileeeeee had been swallowing gum for almost 58 years and was always told that it would stay in her stomach and become a huge ball of gum. A huge ball of gum indeed. Maybe that's where all this extra weight she was carrying came from.It wasn't weight at all.It was just one huge ball of gum that probably weighed 50 pounds by now.Yes at least 50 pounds..50 pounds indeed.
Linda Seccaspina
copyright 2010
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