Emileeeeee hated her mother for the little time she was on this earth. Okay, Emileeeeee didn't really like using the word'hate.' Let's just say she did not care for her. A shame, yes indeed, but she never cared for her mother. And that was a shame. A big darn shame.
Emileeeeee's mother's name was Bernice. No,it was more hideous than that. It was Bernice Ethelyne. But everyone called her Bunny. Yes,just Bunny. Bernice's mother was just one of her grandfather's wives. Some of them did not live that long, some of them chose not to live with him anymore. She never knew what was wrong with the man. Emileeeeee thought that anyone that brought her a Davy Crockett hat and birthday cake should be okay. Or was he? And the Jesus Classic Comics he brought her when she got hit by a car. Surely that made him a good man. Or was he?
But the grandmothers came and went. Some even came to church and sat behind her and her "good" grandmother Mary Deller Knight and wanted to know if he had any money kicking around after he died. They even asked to come over for lunch. Mary Deller Knight took care of that.She took care of that quite quickly. They never came around again. NO siree,never ever again.
Emileeeeee wondered why she did not care for her mother. What had she done?
Everyone loved her. Yes, everyone loved her except Emileeeeee.
If anyone could have ever been picked someone for the "good girls" team, that was her mother. She suffered so much and never ever complained. Not once..not ever. Not ever.
Emileeeeee complained a lot. She was never happy. But her mother just carried on. Maybe that was why she didnt like her? Because she just carried on? Maybe.
Bunny, at age 14, was a knock-out. Rita Hayworth hair, very tall and very slim. She was very slim. Movie star slim. While she was beautiful on the outside she was very sick on the inside. She got tuberculosis and lost a lung and at age 15 was sent to a sanitorium in the Laurentians. She stayed there for three years and one of the wives burned her clothes and sold her beloved piano as she said she would never be back. Is that why Emileeeeee didn't like her because she only had one lung and Emileeeeee had two? Maybe.
At 18, she was as well as she could be and at 20 met Emileeeeee's father. She met him in the Post Office and it was said to be love at first sight. She was so beautiful, tall and slim. Is that why Emileeeeee didnt care for her? Because she was so beautiful? Movie star beautiful? Maybe.
At 21 she had Emileeeeeee and the rest has been documented in history. After the birth she was whisked away to a place that was not nice. It was not beautiful, not movie star beautiful,not nice at all. It was a dark horrible place. For almost three years she did not know who anyone was. No one at all. They medicated her, and they shocked her every week. No matter what they did, she could not remember. She did not want to remember. Is that why Emileeeeee didnt like her because she couldnt remember? Maybe.
At age 24 Bunny came out into the sunshine for the first time in years. She laughed, she cried, and she made cakes with nuclear frosting. She was happy,too happy, scary happy. She had decided that Emileeeeee would have to do everything she never did. A crash course, one might say, in life. Was that why Emileeeeee never liked her? Was it because in the years that she was well, as well as she could be, that Emileeeee was forced to be everything her mother wanted to be? The piano lessons, the ballet lessons, the perfect clothes, the singer that Emileeeeeee could never be? Maybe.
When her mother was 26, Emileeeeee's sister Robin, was born. Another hard birth, another pile of problems. Her sister was well but her mother was not. She was sick again, yes sick once again. Is that why Emileeeeee didnt like her? Because she was sick all the time and was never there? Maybe.
After that, her mother was in and sometimes she was out. They just did not know what was wrong. She never complained, she didn't seem to care. She knew there was nothing she could do except change doctors and pray. One cold New Years she was let out. She insisted we all go to the neighbours New years Eve party in the worst snow blizzard of the year. At 10 after 12 she could no longer feel her legs, she could not walk. Emileeeeee's father thought the glass of sherry had made her numb. After the minute, that second in time, Bunny could no longer walk. Is that why Emileeeeee didnt like her? Because maybe that glass of sherry had made her legs numb? Maybe.
For six long years Bunny fought and she struggled. She had braces on her legs, operations on her spine, and God knows what else. She would sit on the stairs and try to get up. She wanted to walk, she wanted to live, and she never gave up. She played the piano for everyone and talked to kids with no arms and no legs. For that very year and the year after next. Thalidomide children filled the hospital to over-flow. Emileeeeee saw them every week and watched them in fright. All these poor kids tried to eat and walk with no arms and no legs, yet they wanted to live and they never gave up. Just like Emileeeeee's mother, NEVER ever once did she give up. Is that why she didnt like her? Because she never gave up? Maybe.
One Thursday morning her mother was let out for two days. Even though she was sick she said she needed to attend Emileeeeee's confirmation in church. In those days, it was viewed as the next step up in God's world. She ironed Emileeeeee's dress and burned her finger badly. She looked up at our neighbour who was helping her and showed her the fluid. It was oozing, it was yellow and sometimes green, it came out of her finger fast.It was the same fluid my Dad had to remove from her every night when she was home. She looked sadly at Meg Wilson and said,
" I am done.I am finally done."
She did not cry she not complain and she did not yell. Was that why Emileeeeee didn't like her because she never yelled? Maybe.
The next day was Friday and it was a sunny afternoon. Emileeeeee was waiting for the bell to ring at school to go get her hair done. She had her white dress, the photographer was booked, all was set for tonight and her mother was home.
At 3:17 there was a knock on the door. Her teacher talked quietly and came back into the room. She looked at Emileeeeee quite brightly and said,
"Emileeeeee dear, Reverend Peacock wants to take you home."
Emileeeeee never thought, she never did think it was wrong. She just got in the car and he drove herall teh way home. He stopped in front of her house and she was about to get out when he grabbed her by the coat and started yelling in her ear,
"Linda, are you a Christian?"
Emileeeeee thought it was the last question she needed to answer correctly before she got confirmed that night. She thought he had probably been asking everyone this question all day. So she had better answer it right. She said firmly and loudly,
"Yes."
He looked at her then and let her coat go free. He looked down at the floor and told her that her mother had died. All those years, all that pain. She had worked so hard to live and now she was gone... AGAIN. This time for good, yes it was final. She would never come back, no not ever.I s that why Emileeeeee didn't like her because she was gone, never to come back? Maybe.
That night nothing changed. Nothing was different. Her father "shipped her out" to the photographer and to her confirmation. She didn't want to go, she didn't want to be there. When people swarmed around her at church she could not hold back her tears. Her mother was gone, her mother had just died. Why was she here?
"Because that's what your mother would want,' my Dad cried.
He said that night, while she was at church, that he saw her mother at the front door while he layed on the couch. He said she was all in white and said just a few words. She told him,
"Arthur,everything is going to be all right."
So why did she tell him and why not Emileeeeee? Is that why Emileeeeee didn't like her because she knew. She knew that things would not be all right for Emileeeee for a very long while. A long long while and she didnt have the heart to tell her? Is that why Emileeeeee didnt like her? Because her mother knew? Maybe.
Twelve years ago Emileeeeeee was sad and she was very very sick. She went to bed with a fever and dreamed all night. At 2:30 am she saw her mother in that dream. She was walking down Albert street towards Emileeeeee just a few blocks away. She was tall and slim, movie star slim. She had her Rita Hayworth hair and her long blue coat. She was smiling and smiling and holding out her hand.
"Take my hand Emileeeeee, squeeze it real tight."
"Trust me, my dear daughter, everthing is going to be all right"
And with that Emileeeeee awoke and had tears coming down her face. No matter what she had done or what she had said, her mother still loved her no matter what. No matter what, no maybe's, no if's or what not's.
Her mother loved her and she was going to be all right. Maybe
Linda Seccaspina
copyright 2010
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