Emileeeeee always had problems with love.From her parents to whom ever took the time to love her.She never trusted anyone and refused to believe anyone could love her.Why would they want to love her? She always believed she was in fact defective merchandise from the day she was born. Wasn't her mother rushed out of the hospital a few days after she came into this world and sent to a dark far away place for two years with a nervous breakdown ?
She had always heard whispers of 'hard birth' 'troubled childbirth' and "was in no shape to look after a child".The first thing Emileeeeee ever remembered was that she was brought to a cold dark hospital where her mother was sitting on her cold dark iron bed playing solitaire.They plopped Emileeeeee on the end of the bed even though children were not allowed and hoped her mother would remember her.Her mother looked coldly at her and started screaming wildly to get her out.
"Get this ugly child out of here" she screamed at the top of her voice.
From that day on that is all Emileeeeee wanted to do.Well,maybe not really kill herself because that would hurt a lot wouldn't it? But maybe just threaten, or attempt it because maybe she would get some love and attention then wouldn't she?
At age 5 her mother came home from the hospital one day and she looked at her mother and turned around and packed her little brown leather suitcase with her doll and some cookies.She told her mother she was leaving home because she had never heard her mother say 'I love you". Her mother began to cry and pleaded with Emileeeeee to stay as she marched out the door.She walked across the driveway and walked up the street to her mother's friends house. She stood there with her suitcase in hand and promptly told Joan that she was going to live there from now on.
Her mother called Joan many times that day crying and finally got Emileeeeee to go home.She told Emileeeeee over and over that night that she loved her and would never leave her.The next day her mother was rushed to the hospital again.She was there for another year and so sick Emileeeeee never heard her say I love you for a very long time.
She tried to threaten suicide to her father at age 14 ,while she was sewing mind you. She tried to threaten suicide to her Grammy at age 15 while she was helping with the Legion mocha cakes.But, let's face it asprin isn't the threatening kind of drug.
She couldnt figure out why the kitty kat girls never thought of suicide.Wait, she thought they were WAY over wrought with the dierutetics they took to lose weight .Their brains were probably fried from the all fumes of the Bonne Belle make up they smeared on.And it's never ever a good time to die.
One day when Emileeeeee turned eighteen she broke out in hives.They were over every inch of her body,they would not go away.So she went to the very same hospital that she had been taken to at the age of two to see her mother.There they told her that she had too much responsibility as a child looking after her sister all by herself and she needed drugs.That day Emileeeeee was given 'big girl drugs".No more asprin, no more Midol(not really a suicide drug but the cramps never came back) she could now do damage with the 'big girl drugs".
She tried to talk to her Grammy about it as she was the only person that ever seem to listen.Grammy patiently sat there in her old blue work dress in her over sized plastic covered chair and didnt say a word.After Emileeeeee finished talking her grandmother got up ,shook her head and walked to the kitchen to make Chicken Stew for Two. She said softly to her,
"It's never ever a good time to die."
For the next ten years she used the 'big girl drugs' in suicide attempts.There wasn't a month that didn't go by that she didnt try.She even tried an over dose with Rex Smith singing 'You Take My breath Away' on the record player.Emily had taken so many drugs she could only get up and replace the needle on the song five times.After that she did not remember anything.She was out for two days.It's never ever a good time to die.
She woke up on day 2 and the phone was ringing.Her father was on the line but she could barely hear him.She started to cry and he yelled at her and hung up.She put her overalls on and called a friend stabbing the table with a knife.They came and took her to the hospital where they sent her to a series of 'veggie doctors'.
The veggie doctors were kind but silent.Emileeeeee would sit there for exactly 60 minutes and not a minute longer.She would talk and talk and talk but the veggie doctors never said a word.They just sat there and wrote and wrote and wrote and nodded their head.They would give her lots of pills.Yellow ones,red ones, big ones,small ones ,but nothing helped.They just turned her into a turnip.
She would sit on the couch day in and day out just staring.She had no thoughts, she had no passion ,she was just a turnip.Yes, just a turnip.
The last time Emileeeeee attempted suicide she thought about it.She sat at the river's edge in the car staring at the cold water.She drove down the highway thinking in one split second she could ram right into that transport truck.But all that would hurt wouldnt it? Yes, it would hurt more that the hurt in her heart.It's never ever a good time to die.
So, one last time she tried.She took a whole bottle of Tylenol.A big bottle with a free small jar taped to it.It had been bargained priced.She took it all.This was it.Or was it?
At approximatley 230 am Emileeeeee woke up and ran to the bathroom.She was sick,both ways.Why wasn;t she dead? She look at the bottle and it said 'time released".Great, they were all erupting in her stomach at different times like firecrackers.It's never ever a good time to die.Especially with time released drugs.
For the next 8 hours she was deadly sick.She drove downtown and hid in her store.Her friend Jason called and knew something was up so he called 911.They rushed her to the hospital and put her on an IV for 48 hours.They made her drink charcoal that looked like it came from the bottom of her aquarium and told her maybe this stuff would make her finally stop. Because it's never ever a good time to die.
So she layed there and cried and cried until she had no more tears.
She screamed silently,
"You're a mess Emileeeeee McPheeeeee!"
"Time to deal with this Emileeeeee McPheeeeee"
"Only you can fix this Emileeeeee McPheeeeee"
And she did.
Emileeeeee slowly, yes very slowly fixed herself.No more asprin.No more 'big girl drugs".No more Veggie Doctors". Finally, yes finally after 45 years she pulled herself up by her thigh high socks.Nice ones mind you with ribbons at the top worn casually with high heel shoes.
So,what she learned was to live life and appreciate it and realize not everyone is going to love you.And to heck with them if they don't.So she had a rotten deal as a child.At least she wasn't raised in a gopher hole running away from mad farmers and hoses full of water.She learned to live with nothing because then you will not look for anything else in life."In the end boys and girls" Emileeeeee said as she crawled back into life "It;s only YOU that can help yourself" Because.... it's never ever a good time to die.
Linda Seccaspina
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