PREFACE
I woke up this morning shaking from a horrible dream. Tiger Woods tried to hurt me twice during the night. The second time I held him down while someone called the police. I marveled at how thin his wrists were. How calm he was. Why didn't he try to fight me off? Why did he just lay there?
I remembered later in my dream that when the police came, they did not even charge him. He knew he was going to get away with it. Just like a lot of the characters from my life. They knew they could get away with it. They knew what ever bad behavior they were creating for me that I was no match for them. They knew I would just roll over and say, "It’s Okay!"
I start to sob uncontrollably and walked down the stairs. Yesterday when I came home and turned on the TV even Dr Oz told me quite frankly that I was going to have kidney failure and maybe die because of my high blood pressure. The feeling of not being in control of my life passed over the anger of Tiger not being arrested.
Every day I relive different parts of my life that will not go away. It's almost like the movie GROUNDHOG DAY. Every day I cry in my dreams from frustration of what people deemed was suitable behavior towards me. It isn't. I know that it was all very wrong but I could not stop them for a very long time.
It’s also January 1st once again. This time it's 2010 and I’m inching my way to the glorious age of 59. Every year I vow to lose weight and every year at this time I get on the scale and I have not lost one pound. Yesterday after seeing my neighbour with the “I swear” 7 inch across butt I have finally come to the realization that I will never be thin. Ever...No matter how hard I try or want it. People always tell me that if I really want it I can lose weight. Well, I really really want it and it has never seemed to happen and if it did I stayed thin for about 6 minutes.
I sit here and remember Cheryl, my oldest son's French teacher who died last week from cancer at age 46. She did not dwell on things. She carried on. She went with my friend Maureen and picked out cards for her daughter's future birthdays and graduation that she knew she would never see. My sister Robin died at 40, my mother at age 34. They all died so young yet they never ever ever gave up. None of them did. None of them dwelt on the hurt, the pain, or life, or Dr Oz.
So these writings are for people to learn from my experiences, and maybe to smile. Yes, to smile a lot. These things all happened in my life. Each and every one of them. I am still marching on. I am trying not to give up and be like the strong women I knew and know in my life. You must never give up either. As I told my friend Maureen, we still must keep on dancing. So I play James Blunt's song, "You're Beautiful" and I dance and dance and live on.
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